


Expectation

by APlaceKeptHere (Woozycosm)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Autism, Cognitive Dissonance, Communication Failure, Derealization, Dissociation, Social Anxiety, emotional isolation, unreality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:33:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28022463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woozycosm/pseuds/APlaceKeptHere
Summary: This is a poem describing an experience with derealization and anxiety. It's not based on any one event, but rather describes the general feel of a dissociative anxiety attack for me, as well as my thoughts during one. This work isn't an extensive explanation of what I  go through, more of a vent that reflects what I feel in those situations. See notes for content warnings.
Kudos: 1





	Expectation

**Author's Note:**

> CONTENT WARNING: first-person anxiety attack, derealization, descriptions of altered reality, implied ableism, and emotional isolation

an experience so overwhelming  
unexpected  
like the drop in your stomach on a roller coaster  
like the seeds in a jalapeño  
this is what it’s like

skitter through the maze  
adrenaline pumping, despite no visible threat  
weave between the walls like a frightened rabbit  
scream forwards, find the way out

imagine waking up  
and the world is not quite right  
like a blockbuster movie, a hypothetical apocalypse  
but only for you

every smile is genuine, yet stilted  
your name doesn’t sound right in their mouths  
the street lights beam in the wrong frequency

there is no real danger  
but how terrifying a place to be  
normalcy vanished from beneath you  
no recognition outside of your own mind that something is wrong

every conversation is a slippery obstacle course  
turns of phrase that don’t make sense  
jokes that don’t land, questions rhetorical answered proposed not for quite that answer

it would be comical if it weren’t so mortifying

what’s happening?  
where is the world that should be?  
the axis has been tilted, the months shifted slightly to the left

“explain it,” they say, “what is so strange?”

but how could i answer? “the light bends around your face wrong,” i say, “you talk so strange. it’s like everyone has read a rulebook on how to function here except me.”

was there a meeting i missed?  
is this all some orchestrated joke?  
an alien the size of a chihuahua, introduced as human.  
i am shaking and yipping and people look at me like this is strange.

the stars keep spinning. the traffic keeps flowing.


End file.
